I cannot believe a week has passed since I last put keyboard to screen. It has been a bit of a toughie on the Muse front. Close friends will know the main reason, I am unable share it with you as it may hurt another female, but I will no doubt get it out of my system eventually.
One of the reasons for my angst is, the dark approaching fast. The day after tomorrow, the clocks will go back and the sun will be low, just like my mood. It will take me a couple of weeks to adjust but I am determined to do so. Next week is carefully planned - three visits to the sunbed ( I normally do two a month), hairdresser and lots of cleaning. Turfing out spiders, cleaning windows, getting rid of clutter, passing on books. It is something I do every year, not spring cleaning but divesting myself of everything unnecessary as the the winter months crush me so badly. I will not let the dark beat me this year, 'think positively, act amazingly and pull yourself through' is my current Mantra. None of this would be possible without my loving friends and family. That is the difference this year, I am finally out of my shell and embracing life. Bless you Helen for reminding me of the important things in life. Thank you Kath for being steadfast and sure. Mr S, you have been wonderful and I am so lucky to have you in my life. Okay, emotive bit over!
Some of the difficulties this week have stemmed from The Git and of course the TWMBO's. However, his teachers have been very patient with him over the last two weeks and he has been uncooperative and sullen, refusing to take on any responsibility. The mornings, in particular, have been very difficult and stressful. He refuses to shower, clean his teeth, do homework or talk to me. The turning point came last night, when I burst into tears before him. He was utterly horrified and put his (somewhat unclean arms) around me. We sat and talked and he realised how much his Ma worried about him and said he was sorry. No doubt the problems will continue, of that I am sure because an 11 year old boy, who has difficulty communicating with anyone can only snatch a moment to realise that actions have consequences. However, it was enough to calm me and enable me to renew my connection with him. I am so grateful for that moment in time.
Time to lighten up and get back to myself. Had a weird day on Wednesday. I spoke to Hyacinth (the mother who must be obeyed at all costs), she told me that my ex husband was coming down to visit older chicklets. I have not seen him for nearly 15 years.
This is due to:-
a) Me being completely impossible.
b) Him having a long relationship (plus lovely child) with rough Edinburgh woman who said she may kill me if I dared go near him!
c) Him working abroad so we were never in the same country at the same time.
I digress. I spoke to the chicklets and they assured me it would be fine to satisfy my curiosity. I drove to Sian's and tried to look my best, difficult when I could not get a hairdressers appointment that morning. Ce la Vie! Wandered in, very calm, said hello to my beautiful granddaughter and pecked him on the cheek. He looked exactly the same. Tanned, 6ft and the biggest beer belly I have ever seen! He is naturally tall and thin and he looked like he was about to give birth! Nope, not being bitchy, just telling it like it is. He seemed much more confident in himself, which is good. We went outside for a smoke and he immediately got nervous around me. I wonder why? So much water has passed under the bridge that surely things between us should not matter? I was sad to discover that he had still not forgiven me. He was married to the army and not me, which is why, when he was posted to Scotland, I refused to go and moved to Devon, where my parents were. I obviously hurt him badly and finally realise how much that has affected him. We had a picture taken together. I am glad we met. I have learned that facing your past, square on, will help you to MOVE ON.
Bit of a serious post tonight but its good to write it down. The Muse may not be herself at the moment but she is determined to sort it out.One of the reasons for my angst is, the dark approaching fast. The day after tomorrow, the clocks will go back and the sun will be low, just like my mood. It will take me a couple of weeks to adjust but I am determined to do so. Next week is carefully planned - three visits to the sunbed ( I normally do two a month), hairdresser and lots of cleaning. Turfing out spiders, cleaning windows, getting rid of clutter, passing on books. It is something I do every year, not spring cleaning but divesting myself of everything unnecessary as the the winter months crush me so badly. I will not let the dark beat me this year, 'think positively, act amazingly and pull yourself through' is my current Mantra. None of this would be possible without my loving friends and family. That is the difference this year, I am finally out of my shell and embracing life. Bless you Helen for reminding me of the important things in life. Thank you Kath for being steadfast and sure. Mr S, you have been wonderful and I am so lucky to have you in my life. Okay, emotive bit over!
Some of the difficulties this week have stemmed from The Git and of course the TWMBO's. However, his teachers have been very patient with him over the last two weeks and he has been uncooperative and sullen, refusing to take on any responsibility. The mornings, in particular, have been very difficult and stressful. He refuses to shower, clean his teeth, do homework or talk to me. The turning point came last night, when I burst into tears before him. He was utterly horrified and put his (somewhat unclean arms) around me. We sat and talked and he realised how much his Ma worried about him and said he was sorry. No doubt the problems will continue, of that I am sure because an 11 year old boy, who has difficulty communicating with anyone can only snatch a moment to realise that actions have consequences. However, it was enough to calm me and enable me to renew my connection with him. I am so grateful for that moment in time.
Time to lighten up and get back to myself. Had a weird day on Wednesday. I spoke to Hyacinth (the mother who must be obeyed at all costs), she told me that my ex husband was coming down to visit older chicklets. I have not seen him for nearly 15 years.
This is due to:-
a) Me being completely impossible.
b) Him having a long relationship (plus lovely child) with rough Edinburgh woman who said she may kill me if I dared go near him!
c) Him working abroad so we were never in the same country at the same time.
I digress. I spoke to the chicklets and they assured me it would be fine to satisfy my curiosity. I drove to Sian's and tried to look my best, difficult when I could not get a hairdressers appointment that morning. Ce la Vie! Wandered in, very calm, said hello to my beautiful granddaughter and pecked him on the cheek. He looked exactly the same. Tanned, 6ft and the biggest beer belly I have ever seen! He is naturally tall and thin and he looked like he was about to give birth! Nope, not being bitchy, just telling it like it is. He seemed much more confident in himself, which is good. We went outside for a smoke and he immediately got nervous around me. I wonder why? So much water has passed under the bridge that surely things between us should not matter? I was sad to discover that he had still not forgiven me. He was married to the army and not me, which is why, when he was posted to Scotland, I refused to go and moved to Devon, where my parents were. I obviously hurt him badly and finally realise how much that has affected him. We had a picture taken together. I am glad we met. I have learned that facing your past, square on, will help you to MOVE ON.
Love and Peace to you All x
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