Nightmare on Spaghetti Street...

Ma and Pa are moving, long boring story, they are moving to a bigger property and so I had to indulge and entertain the little darlings today, whilst they actually packed boxes - must just say this, I have packed for them since I was 6 years old so it is about time they learned to do it for themselves. I have had nightmares about inventories since the age of 10. Control freak me...NAH!

Angelina, my grandaughter, The Git and I set off for a place called 'Raze The Roof' in Falmouth. I knew, of course, that this was always going to end up in the 'Minor Injuries Unit' but being a little tired at the moment, the left brain did not connect with the right and I went along with my mothers suggestion. First stop was Macdonalds and I tried not to think about what I was feeding them whilst I scrubbed the table carefully with my hand sanitiser. I bit into my cheeseburger and attempted to enjoy it....I bit into it again and decided that it may have seemed a good idea at the time but quite honestly, biting into it was like biting a bad 'smell' and I really could not carry on! I then freaked the kids out by scrubbing their hands and refusing to let them take said 'toys, odd chips, half bitten chicken nuggets' into my car.

Raze The Roof was my worst nightmare come true. It was based in an industrial unit full of soft play areas, ball pits and large slides that scared the Feck out of me but did not seem to faze Angelina - mind you, I am still scared of Dr Who and she loves it so WTF!

I decided that I could do this two ways. I could follow the kids around, desperate for a vodka and get very upset or I could take a couple of valium, buy the Mail and do the crossword and let 'em get on with it. I chose the latter. In my defence, The Git followed Angel around and really looked after her. Bless his heart.

I have to describe this place to you before I carry on. The height of the ceiling meant that every scream/yell/shriek was multiplied by 10. Each time a child opened its mouth all the parents would glance/run/skitter to the source of the terrible ear splitting yell... Utter torture. I was so determined not to do this but as we were admitted I nervously pulled The Git to one side.

'Erm, erm, erm the thing is Josh, I don't know what Angelina sounds like if she's, erm...you know, erm..in pain'. He was pretty quick off the mark. 'Don't worry about that mum, I know 'eggsactly what she sounds like'. Hmm... Its fine I said to myself, I'll just try and ignore it....NOT! The first hour passed by. I did not manage to solve one clue and despite wishing that valium or vodka was available I knew that I was in CHARGE and I must be a good mother/nanny. (Which I am not by the way as I am bloody scared of small children...).

S'fine. s'fine...I kept telling myself as I watched one horrid little 2 and a half foot thing, try and tear his sisters hair out and observing whilst the parents waded in and broke up the scrap. Shudder. I was half expecting an injury of some sort as I glanced around the 'restaurant facilities' where I was perched nervously on a 'primary school chair'. The 'restaurant' in question was a large depressing grey area full of uncleared dishes, nasty fingerprints and a mash of beans and spaghetti hoops that you had to wade through in order to reach your seat.

Just as I thought about dragging said children out of the place and bribing them with a visit to the nearest Toy Shop...my poor little Angelina calmly tapped me on the shoulder. Some nasty two foot tall person had thrown a ball at her face so hard she was sporting a large shiner... 'Oh Feck', I thought 'I'm in trouble now'. A nice but indifferent girl came over with an ice pack and asked me to fill in an accident form. She was so indifferent, her pen did not work, she nicked mine and forgot to ask me to sign the accident form. Just as well I'm not in the mood to sue isn't it! Indifferent girl gave me a voucher so that I may return and 'enjoy my next experience'....

We made our exit and I was mightily relieved to be out of the place. Angel was so bloody brave, none of this yelling and screaming thing for her, just a bit of a miserable face. I took her home with my tail between my legs, clutching some childrens painkillers in case she needed them later. See...I keep telling people, I should never ever be left in charge of small children!

I was telling my friend Sharon all about it on the phone tonight. We agreed on a few things.

1. Never ever visit those places unless your mother insists. It is far safer to wrap up your kids and let them abseil off the Welsh mountains in a Force 9!

2. We were both desperate for a 'shiner' at the age of 9 and Angelina is very cool for getting one at the age of 5! (We are very jealous).

3. We were also rather desparate to 'break something' and get lots of attention and a cool plaster. Alas both of us broke something when we were old and grumpy and had to do without the plaster and deal with the pain!

Be careful what you wish for...

Namaste

Muse x