I was loitering around the news stand in the supermarket today, waiting for a moment when I could grab a Daily Mail, without others seeing me; scurrilous rag that it is - I only buy it for the crossword, honest... I had to laugh at the headline of that infamous comic, The Sun. 'Squatters at Number 10'. Hilarious. I did find myself feeling a bit sorry for Brown last week, not any more. Give it up chap, the party is over!
Whatever happens, my mind did its usual meandering on the subject of Government and the most interesting thing I could come up with was 'What could you tell a new Prime Minister about the job he was about to take on.
I was thinking about this last week. I had in my mind that when the Spams (that is Americans for all you non Donut children) leave office they take the lot with them. I suppose the Spams are famous for their paranoia so this makes sense but the reason why, was explained to me by a good friend.
The President of the USA is a Head of State and so his staff are his own. The Prime Minister is effectively the caretaker of the constitution and The Queen is our Head of State. Therefore he has a staff that remain in place to smooth the transition of Government and make sure Her Maj' does not have to reach for the migraine pills. Forgive me if I am preaching to those in the loop but for some reason I thought it was just a matter of policy between different countries. I feel so stupid some days.. why my brain refuses to make these links is beyond me.
I have been watching a repeat of a series called 'The Amazing Mrs Pritchard', it is about a supermarket worker who is voted in as PM, as the British People think her 'no nonsense' policies are the best they have heard in years. Watching her journey through the corridors of power, and her complete bewilderment is why I was musing about this transition period.
Apparently, what we have at No 10 is a team of Civil Servants, who are experienced enough to guide the new PM through his first few weeks until he manages to find his feet. Can you imagine what they have to tell him???
1.Here are your keys Sir. The big one is for the PM's washroom, the little one is for the Nuclear War MOD manual and the middle one is for the Red Telephone. You may have the key to the office fridge, when you make a payment into the petty cash box.
2. Please ensure you remember to shut the inner door of number 10, before proceeding to the Big Black one as we do not want lots of press taking pictures of the wife in her jammies or The Cabinet having a smoke on the sly.
3. When her Maj rings, please do not panic. She will wait a maximum of three minutes for you to get off the phone or finish greeting an Ambassador or two. When speaking to her, please remember that she is the Boss and you are her Cuckold.
4. Do not panic when one of your private secretaries enters your marital bedroom, uninvited. This is normal practice and they are quite used to seeing bad, hurried sex and will turn a blind eye to you struggling into your jammies.
5. The Americans are NEVER to be trusted, they are very practised in the art of story telling. Ensure they have a good supply of cookies and milk, the entire back catalogue of Enid Blyton books, The Book of Mormon and The St James' Bible. They will be quite happy reading stories and eating cookies. Oh! and don't forget Obama is a 40 a day bloke, ensure there are ashtrays everywhere. We strongly suggest that you put some sleeping pills in the FBI agents' drinks or they will keep you up all night stomping about No 10, looking for intruders.
6. Fill the Russians with Vodka and they might listen to you. Failing that, get the FBI lot to take them to the nearest lap dancing club and you might get four hours sleep.
7. The Germans are a bit of an enigma. Angie baby is a bit terrified of dogs so it is up to you whether you walk in with the family pet or introduce her to the Russians after a bottle of Vodka.
8. If President Sarkozy comes over from France, ensure the Wife is wearing trousers. Make sure he is kept under surveillance by the FBI guys, at all times, or there could be an unplanned pregnancy at Number 10.
9. The bloke in Italy, Giorgio Napolitano is a aficionado of Berlusconi, he is a bit of a commie but don't let that worry you. Napolitano will be happy with some pasta and a bottle of red. Berlusconi is much more difficult. Suggest you take advice on that one.
10. Do not worry about Clegg. He is employed by Gerry Anderson. He has previously been the pilot of Thunderbird 2 and 4. His amazing puppetry skills are held in awe by his fans. His wife is, judging by her dress sense, a fan of Bagpuss.
I am quite sure that this is only the tip of the volcano but it was a bit of fun. Tell me what you think the new PM ought to be told???
Be careful out there....we have no Government, which The Git thinks is rather cool....
Muse x
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