Here I am at last. Honestly, the minute I get going on the Blog again the common cold has felled me like an Elm tree in Holland. I have very sneakily avoided a cold for the last four years. I have done this by having B12 injections every three weeks, doctors orders, and behaving in a belligerent and stroppy manner toward my fellow man. This involves interrogating anyone suspected of harbouring germs or shooting daggers of molten lava at anyone who dares sneeze in my direction.
I spent years being poleaxed by Other Peoples Germs (OPG's) and decided to fight back by making a conscious decision to avoid OPG's and keep myself well. The bad behaviour started with the purchase of many pashminas AKA scarves that you can use to open doors, clutch shopping trolleys and provide a barrier between you and the germs. I didn't care if someone sneezed near me and saw me cover my face , ninja like with my pashmina. Don't look at me like that I'm making sure you don't infect me! In fact don't even glance in my direction you snot filled disgusting plague carrier! Another handy tool I discovered was anti bac hand gel. I found this very useful when using those yukky, shit smeared, Ebola pools that we know as Cashpoints. Germpoints more like. I mean, am I the only one who sees a bloke in the queue in front of me adjust his nads and then proceed to use the cashpoint!!!!! How dare you leave your Bollock Drizzle all over the buttons. So if you are behind me in the queue please be patient whilst I scrabble in my handbag, produce gel, and smear it all over the cashpoint, buffing to a gentle shine with a clean hanky. Only then can I bear to use them.
I can actually be even more badly behaved than that. I went to the health food shop to buy some glucosamine the other day. The shop assistant looked like something out of Survivors. Her red nose dripped menacingly, her eyes pools of broken veins, a snotty tissue hung limply from her sleeve. 'Can I help you' she rasped. Quick as a flash I whipped my pashmina over my face and made like a ninja. She gave me a really dirty look. It was all I could do not to yell at her 'Unclean' and make a cross sign with my arms. I apologised saying that I would die if she gave me her cold. I was lying through my teeth of course, but how dare she turn up for work infested with germs and expect me to touch her goods. Blimey that sounds a bit rude but you know what I mean. She got the pills and tried to give them to me. Forgive me, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't take it off her. At that point I nearly bolted and ran screaming from the shop. 'Oh for goodness sake' she muttered. She opened her drawer pulled out some anti bac gel and smeared it all over the pill bottle and banged it down on the counter. I threw a fiver at her and without waiting for my change picked up the offending bottle (with my pashmina) and ran out of the shop to the nearest bin where I chucked it! Erm...don't think I'll be shopping there anytime soon.
There is a flip side to this. I am not a hypocrite. Having my first cold in four years has made me realise that I am contaminated and I will do my utmost to ensure I do not infect you with my feculent fever. I will not shake your hand or kiss you or breathe in your general direction. I promise to avoid you and become hermit like until all bacteria has left my system. Now please do the same for me!
I spent years being poleaxed by Other Peoples Germs (OPG's) and decided to fight back by making a conscious decision to avoid OPG's and keep myself well. The bad behaviour started with the purchase of many pashminas AKA scarves that you can use to open doors, clutch shopping trolleys and provide a barrier between you and the germs. I didn't care if someone sneezed near me and saw me cover my face , ninja like with my pashmina. Don't look at me like that I'm making sure you don't infect me! In fact don't even glance in my direction you snot filled disgusting plague carrier! Another handy tool I discovered was anti bac hand gel. I found this very useful when using those yukky, shit smeared, Ebola pools that we know as Cashpoints. Germpoints more like. I mean, am I the only one who sees a bloke in the queue in front of me adjust his nads and then proceed to use the cashpoint!!!!! How dare you leave your Bollock Drizzle all over the buttons. So if you are behind me in the queue please be patient whilst I scrabble in my handbag, produce gel, and smear it all over the cashpoint, buffing to a gentle shine with a clean hanky. Only then can I bear to use them.
I can actually be even more badly behaved than that. I went to the health food shop to buy some glucosamine the other day. The shop assistant looked like something out of Survivors. Her red nose dripped menacingly, her eyes pools of broken veins, a snotty tissue hung limply from her sleeve. 'Can I help you' she rasped. Quick as a flash I whipped my pashmina over my face and made like a ninja. She gave me a really dirty look. It was all I could do not to yell at her 'Unclean' and make a cross sign with my arms. I apologised saying that I would die if she gave me her cold. I was lying through my teeth of course, but how dare she turn up for work infested with germs and expect me to touch her goods. Blimey that sounds a bit rude but you know what I mean. She got the pills and tried to give them to me. Forgive me, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't take it off her. At that point I nearly bolted and ran screaming from the shop. 'Oh for goodness sake' she muttered. She opened her drawer pulled out some anti bac gel and smeared it all over the pill bottle and banged it down on the counter. I threw a fiver at her and without waiting for my change picked up the offending bottle (with my pashmina) and ran out of the shop to the nearest bin where I chucked it! Erm...don't think I'll be shopping there anytime soon.
There is a flip side to this. I am not a hypocrite. Having my first cold in four years has made me realise that I am contaminated and I will do my utmost to ensure I do not infect you with my feculent fever. I will not shake your hand or kiss you or breathe in your general direction. I promise to avoid you and become hermit like until all bacteria has left my system. Now please do the same for me!
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