It is very late, or very early depending on whether you are a night owl or an early bird, and for once, I have an excuse for my insomnia. Ghastly toothache! A little high on painkillers but just about able to blog sensibly, erm...do I ever blog sensibly?? Oh a little apology to all those I have inadvertently blocked from my blog, forgive me, I am an IT incontinent and pressed the wrong button!
Talking of pressing the wrong buttons.....I was reading back my blog of the last week and it seems very cold and clinical. It is so difficult to write in a balanced way about the dreaded subject of the difference that exists between men and women, without sounding spiky and man hating or as though you have swallowed an American self help book.
I guess I have talked about specific men on here (named by profession only) in a light hearted way. Just guys that I have dated or had 'fun' with (read into that what you like!) and I meant them no disrespect, suffice to say they were not right for me and whilst leaving me frustrated, did me no harm.
Two guys I have not discussed with you are still stuck in the front of my mind and I so wish they would go away! However, they are unaware that they invade my space and, should not be blamed. I wonder if this is the cowards way, to use my blog to apologise and tell them how much I think of them both? I am only apologising for putting up barriers and protecting myself, nothing more.
I miss my Mr Engineer so much, I adored (past tense) him but he belongs to another and I cannot deal with the guilt that goes with that. I miss you Mr Engineer but I cannot carry on and feel more settled for ending things between us.
The other guy is a recent acquaintance and I enjoyed his company. I was very unsure of him (I still am) and I could not possibly see how we could actually overcome the high fences that surrounded us. I am at a stage in my life where family life is at long last, not the be all and end all of my existence and I am looking forward to some freedom. So after learning of his various family complications, involving children, I could not see a way forward. I dutifully wished him goodbye in what I hoped was a civilised manner.
What followed between us shocked me. He told me that by cutting contact with him I had humiliated him. Oh dear, not something I would ever want to do to another. I have sat and mused about this and can only come up with the following:
1. I have behaved in a blokish manner and should be reprimanded forthwith!
2. He should realise that not everyone is compatible and Move on!
3. I am way too prickly and should try and be more understanding
4. Yes I know blokes have feelings but this is the first example I have come across in a while...
You see! There I go again 'Ms Put Up Your Fences and Prepare to do Battle'! Can't help it can I?
I have to find someone who makes my heart skip a beat every time he enters the same room, a guy who knows how to kiss a girl softly and then take her breath away by grabbing her when she is least expecting it. Someone who can finish my thoughts, be completely at ease with me and talk to me about his hopes and fears.
That, I suppose is the literary romantic side of me talking, but it does exist. Despite my full on 'deal with it' attitude I do have that side. It's an awful long time since I showed it to anyone though. Who knows, perhaps there is no hope for me? When we get to this age most of us are damaged goods in one way or another and my most significant damage must be a lack of trust in others.
On the up side of things I am more confident in myself, my parents and children are delighted by the change in me. I am pretty happy being a solo in this world, but it would be so good to find someone like minded. My darling girlfriend Jo, told me I have to kiss a few frogs in life to find my prince. Yes I know its a bloody cliche but hell she is so right!
Right enough of my pondering for one night. The Muse is off to write to some dear neglected friends.
Love and peace to all of you out there x
Talking of pressing the wrong buttons.....I was reading back my blog of the last week and it seems very cold and clinical. It is so difficult to write in a balanced way about the dreaded subject of the difference that exists between men and women, without sounding spiky and man hating or as though you have swallowed an American self help book.
I guess I have talked about specific men on here (named by profession only) in a light hearted way. Just guys that I have dated or had 'fun' with (read into that what you like!) and I meant them no disrespect, suffice to say they were not right for me and whilst leaving me frustrated, did me no harm.
Two guys I have not discussed with you are still stuck in the front of my mind and I so wish they would go away! However, they are unaware that they invade my space and, should not be blamed. I wonder if this is the cowards way, to use my blog to apologise and tell them how much I think of them both? I am only apologising for putting up barriers and protecting myself, nothing more.
I miss my Mr Engineer so much, I adored (past tense) him but he belongs to another and I cannot deal with the guilt that goes with that. I miss you Mr Engineer but I cannot carry on and feel more settled for ending things between us.
The other guy is a recent acquaintance and I enjoyed his company. I was very unsure of him (I still am) and I could not possibly see how we could actually overcome the high fences that surrounded us. I am at a stage in my life where family life is at long last, not the be all and end all of my existence and I am looking forward to some freedom. So after learning of his various family complications, involving children, I could not see a way forward. I dutifully wished him goodbye in what I hoped was a civilised manner.
What followed between us shocked me. He told me that by cutting contact with him I had humiliated him. Oh dear, not something I would ever want to do to another. I have sat and mused about this and can only come up with the following:
1. I have behaved in a blokish manner and should be reprimanded forthwith!
2. He should realise that not everyone is compatible and Move on!
3. I am way too prickly and should try and be more understanding
4. Yes I know blokes have feelings but this is the first example I have come across in a while...
You see! There I go again 'Ms Put Up Your Fences and Prepare to do Battle'! Can't help it can I?
I have to find someone who makes my heart skip a beat every time he enters the same room, a guy who knows how to kiss a girl softly and then take her breath away by grabbing her when she is least expecting it. Someone who can finish my thoughts, be completely at ease with me and talk to me about his hopes and fears.
That, I suppose is the literary romantic side of me talking, but it does exist. Despite my full on 'deal with it' attitude I do have that side. It's an awful long time since I showed it to anyone though. Who knows, perhaps there is no hope for me? When we get to this age most of us are damaged goods in one way or another and my most significant damage must be a lack of trust in others.
On the up side of things I am more confident in myself, my parents and children are delighted by the change in me. I am pretty happy being a solo in this world, but it would be so good to find someone like minded. My darling girlfriend Jo, told me I have to kiss a few frogs in life to find my prince. Yes I know its a bloody cliche but hell she is so right!
Right enough of my pondering for one night. The Muse is off to write to some dear neglected friends.
Love and peace to all of you out there x
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