Payback Time!

I am not a bitchy woman, never have been, never will be. I am a frustrated writer and have a lot of opinions but I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. Oh,but the small stuff does not include road rage. I am the worlds worst. Today was a good day for me. I only managed two road rage incidents. However, I did manage one grudge match and a near 'scrape the keys down that feckers car' incident. Let me explain.

I usually park the car at the front of my humble house but after 3 acts of vandalism within 6 months, I decided to park it around the back. All the parking is public, none of it is designated. I innocently parked my car and after three days started to receive 'love letters' from someone whose 'space' I had evidently nicked. Life is too bloody short so I just shoved these notes in my glove box and carried on. I did not know what space I was supposed to be nicking as I had parked in several. It soon became clear and I identified the house these letters were issued from. The last one read, 'Park in my space again Bitch and I'll destroy your crap car'. Oh how poetic. I collected about 6 of these badly spelled notes and sighing heavily, wandered off to the Polis station, just to confirm that I was actually parking in a non designated zone.

I did not realise that the Polis would take this seriously as they had never bothered to investigate the vandalism to my car. Cue 'SHE- MAN'. No other description would be fitting. Tall amazonian, mono brow, cheap trainers (who wears trainers unless you are at a gym???) and I suspect her Ma had mated with a Gorilla. Her husband is of the spotty, weedy variety with blonde hi-lights. Now I'm being a snarky bitch but I was pushed! She- Man apparently received a caution and I thought that would be an end to it. How wrong I was, it was only the start. So far I have been blocked by her car on several occasions etc..etc...ad nauseum. I have kept photographic evidence just in case she/he decides to torch my little banger but can't be bothered to do anything more. I have better things to do.

I was driving home tonight and spotted her pulling out behind me. Ha! Here we go darling. I am a better driver than you, a better person and no-one does payback like me. Foot to the floor, I swerved off the high street, using my gears to negotiate a steep hill, lots of speed bumps and keeping a wary eye out for small children. She decided to go the long, allegedly faster way round. I beat her, I beat her. I am a god. My driving is superb.

I smoothly slid into 'her' parking space as she pulled around the corner. I could see the steam hissing out of her ears. I got out of the car with a large smirk on my face. Actually I was cackling like a Hyena with Pleurisy inside that smirk. She had to park around the front. If you can't drive it love you shouldn't fecking own it! Serves you right Madam.

Don't care if I've been bad tonight it was bloody worth it!

Muse x